On how things have improved for me in the last four years

 

It began with some feedback from a counsellor I was seeing. When I said to her people always seem to exclude me she said is that really true? She suggested next time I was with people to try and ‘join in’ a little by maybe suggesting to the others something like ‘Does anyone like the cinema?’ and they might say yes and perhaps I could suggest we meet up one day to go see a film.

So the next time I was with a particular group of people at a club I go to for people with Aspergers, I MADE AN EFFORT to join in with them a little. They did indeed seem to accept me and INCLUDE me and before too long I was hanging out with them being invited for example to join their quiz team. I realised a number of things and errors I was making and had indeed made all my life. And that is I was assuming that other people were rejecting and excluding me when it was usually ME EXCLUDING MYSELF AND REJECTING THEM. I wasn’t conscious I was always doing this. Another thing I realised was that I HAD TO PUT SOME EFFORT IN MYSELF when I was with people as I couldn’t expect people to come to me all the time.

I am not saying it is easy to do the above, but if you can manage to be with a group of people who you feel comfortable with then it is worth taking a little risk and come out of your comfort zone a bit and try to say some things to join in.

So now I had a small group of friends but generalised socialising was still difficult. I began to do a number of things to help myself. One was to sort of ‘study’ neurotypicals and observe how they socialise and interact. Certain TV programmes were good for this such as soaps but more helpful were the so-called structured reality TV shows such as ‘The Only Way Is Essex’ and ‘Made In Chelsea.’ Basically the people in these shows are neurotypical and just ‘ordinary’ people although I know some of it is set up and some of it probably scripted. Anyway it was useful to observe people this way and to look at their reactions, facial expressions and body language and just how they interact with each other. It gave me some idea how to possibly do it myself.

Another thing I did was to come OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE more and try to not stay in my flat doing the same old same old. So in my area I was lucky enough to have and excellent MIND service (MIND is a mental health charity) which provided me with opportunities to: a) go on various confidence building courses such as assertiveness training and b) to attend the drop-in services that they run. After two or three years of this I started to actually feel quite comfortable with people and had more confidence. It was about learning how to be with people again and what not to say and what is appropriate to say although I still tend to say what I think sometimes perhaps revealing too much information!

Although it is now easier to be with people, I still like a lot of folk on the spectrum have problems with personal friendships. They seem hard work and I still don’t know all the ‘rules’ and etiquette surrounding personal friendships. Having said that I do have four or five fairly close friends, four who happen to be women as I seem to get on better with women and one male friend who has Aspergers. But the big thing for me is an actual relationship with a woman. This is still incredibly difficult. Where do you start?

 

Relationship aside, I have done pretty well putting a lot of effort in MANAGING my problems because perhaps that is all you can do with Aspergers, to MANAGE it.

I still have bouts of depression and anxiety, worry and upsetting intrusive thoughts but these too have to be managed. Things like CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and mindfulness have been useful. So has ‘practising’ in my head certain difficult and anxiety-provoking situations so that they become so well rehearsed as to become easier when I am actually in them.

Aspergers is a difficult and complex condition to have. It causes all sorts of difficulties and it is near constant hard work for me to keep dealing with and managing it. I would like to think some of what I’m saying might help others on the spectrum but I’m not in the habit of giving ‘advice’ because I think to give people endless advice is often damn irritating!